so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
