And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
