I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
