You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
