what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
