you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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