I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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