i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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