Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
