My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
