I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
