Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Oh god it's open bar.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
