Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
