I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
