Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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