We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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