3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
