That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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