His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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