If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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