If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
