Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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