you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
