Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
