I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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