About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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