Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
