Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize