He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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