Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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