He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
well you can't waste a boner
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
