I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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