Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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