Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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