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On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
