mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
