I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
