I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
