anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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