Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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