I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
