I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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