your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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