Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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