Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
