i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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