The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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