The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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