I could make wine with my vomit
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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