First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
