My Higher Power is John Stamos
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
