I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
