i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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