so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
