I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
