it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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