the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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