I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
