I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
