Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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