Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
