I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
