wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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