i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
