I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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