I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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