She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize