my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
