the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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