The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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