Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize